chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
