ugly people sure do ruin things
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
