I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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