Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
