I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
