when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
