We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
