i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
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I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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