Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
