Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
