we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
