i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
