Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
