So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
