hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
