Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
