someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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