every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
