so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
