I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Randomize
