I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
