I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
