these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
