I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
