I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
