you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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