Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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