I showed him my bush... on skype.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
