The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My life is pants optional.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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