I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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