I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
