She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
