I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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