i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
