My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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