Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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