His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
