I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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