1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
