Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
