so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
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There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
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Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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