My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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