The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
