Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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