i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
