i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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