tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
