The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
