she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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