I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
