my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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