Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
