Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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