The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
