she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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