So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
