Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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