I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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