Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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