I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
