Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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