It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
